Forgive Yourself! It’s Time!

Moving forward in our lives can be difficult. Life throws several road blocks at us and well, some are easy to push out of the way and others aren’t. Sometimes we need help getting that “road block” moved so we can move on. So we ask for help! I’m not sure when it became “uncool” to ask for help. I used to teach my kindergartners that asking for help was a sign of maturity, intelligence and a good choice. :). But some how, some where it became a sign of weakness, shame and guilt and that, my friends, is what has led us to one of the most dysfunctional mental health systems in the world!! I digress a bit……

Let’s get back to moving that road block. There are hundreds of sayings, sites, therapies and counseling programs on forgiveness. Most programs focus on YOU forgiving someone who has caused you pain. Great! It’s suppose to help YOU move on right?! BUT what if the person you need to forgive is…….…….YOU? We make choices in our past, some good and some not so good. We can carry the heavy burden of that “bad choice” each and every day- through regret, anger, pain, shame and guilt. It all comes back to one thing- something that is VERY hard for us to live with- to live with that choice we made way back when. We carry it with us, beat ourselves up with it and bring it into our everyday lives. It can effect the decision we make today or tomorrow, it can effect the choices we make for our children. That’s a little messed up. The choices and decisions we make now should NOT be based on a “bad choice” we made in the past (well for the most part, I’m sure there are some instances where you should). However, we all want to make happy healthy decisions both for ourselves and those around us! So, how do we do that when we carry such baggage?

It’s simple really- just forgive yourself! OHhhhhhhhh if it was just that easy we would be such a much healthier society. We are taught to forgive others, but to forgive ourselves? No, we are to ask for forgiveness, right? I say, wrong! If you can forgive others, then you can forgive yourself and you need to do it!

Having courage means facing yourself in the mirror and saying or facing what you did, or what may have happened and then beginning the process of forgiveness. YOU have courage!

While I have the upmost confidence in you, it is my belief that in order to forgive yourself and be able to move on- it takes some help- some support.

So, let’s start with identifying the pain.

What is it? Where does it come from? Who was involved? How were you involved?

When did this happen (Was it age appropriate or not? Where you a child or not?)

Why is this still with you?

Then after you truthfully answer all of that, then we have to consider the environment- the effect it had, the age and developmental process you were at. See- this is why you need some help. How did the developmental process and the bad choice relate to one another?

So now you have the event, the environment and the facts. Now accept that all of that is true. What did you have control over and what didn’t you have control over. Did you REALLY have another choice you could have made? Walk yourself thought it. Don’t romanticize “what could have, should have…..” be factual and clear. This is not a Disney movie it’s your life.

Now it’s time to acknowledge ONLY the facts and the behavior. This is hard without a coach!! Coaches keep you to the “concrete” behaviors and choices and not the what ifs- the would’ve, should’ve, could’ves……. They keep the focus on the behavior, the actual events in the actual environment. They keep track of order and what was going on around you and in your development. When you put all of that together and build the narrative, then forgiveness begins.

Forgiveness is when you can see the decision for what it is NOW!!!!! What you learned from it, how it has affected you. You begin to see things clearly, almost like looking through a window at your previous self.

Looking at the previous self- what would you say to YOU? Say it and then end with….. and I forgive YOU! That, my friend, is what will set you free. It takes time, patience and support from someone. It’s super hard to go through this yourself! But, if you try, well there is no doubt you have COURAGE!

Best wishes and blessings,

Cheryl Christine

Courage Coach💕