Daddy’s little girl? Oh come on, aren’t we past that? Why do little girls have to be daddy girls? Are we trying to teach them how to be good wife’s? Why? What? How? All this does is DAMAGE to little girls! What if mom and dad divorce, where does that leave daddy’s little girl? What if daddy is a sexists bully? Where does that leave daddy’s little girl? What if daddy abuses mommy? Where does that leave daddy’s little girl? What if daddy just abandon’s his family and leaves? Where does that leave daddy’s little girl? What if she is raised by two mommy’s or two daddy’s? Where does that leave daddy’s little girl? Can we just take a moment to ponder those situations? Can we just take a moment to ponder those questions?
In 2021 the Citizen reported that 45% of marriages ended in divorce. That sounds like a big number to me, however divorce does seem relatively common place in America. But what we don’t think about “as common” is the effect it has on the individuals involved. When I think of a divorce, I think of two people who couldn’t make a go of it so they decide to go their separate ways, but in most cases that simply isn’t it, is it. Usually one person is more affected by the divorce than the other. They feel emotionally depleted, rejected, depressed and confused. That would make sense, especially since in a marriage we make a life time commitment and then all of a sudden it’s NOPE, just kidding! Wwwwhhhhhaaaatttttt?
But why does divorce happen in the first place? Divorce seems to happen for several reasons the top reasons according to Marriage.com: infidelity, finances , communication issues, and abuse, both physical and emotional. Well, there you go! No wonder one person is affected more than the other! Where does that leave the children then? When you have children do you consider the issues listed above not to mention the societal pressures put on today’s parents (that’s for another time). I would guess not since when we take the marital vows we vow to be together until death through……well everything! And yet, divorce affects children deeply as well as ANY kind of abuse and arguing (which can cover all the reasons listed above). But this isn’t really an article about divorce, it’s about children. No, really, it’s just that divorce seems to be the obvious choice for me to use to make a point.
We often cover issues affecting children by simply saying: “Well they will be fine, this isn’t your fault, I’ll still be here for you”, or children are resilient, they’ll be fine! Then guess what, they grow up and they AREN’T! Poor daddy’s little girl! She’s now damaged daddy’s little girl, unloved, ignored, invisible, abandoned seeking out male love and acceptance. SO, how do we avoid damaging our children and allowing them to grow up to be damaged adults?
Own your shit! Whatever you did to the marriage own it and don’t blame it on the other person involved in the marriage. Be the grown up! Owning up to mistakes let children know you are not perfect and that is OK! People can make mistakes and still move forward in their life!
Let your emotions OUT! Be a human being! It’s ok to be sad and talk to your children why! The breaking of a commitment is sad and hurtful. Now, be careful here because the “why” you are angry may be inappropriate to share with children. If your X cheated on you with your best friend, probably leave out the inappropriate details. Just be clear and share the facts. But children need to know it’s ok to be sad, angry, disappointed etc…. They probably feel the same way!
TALK about it. Don’t just make statements and walk away! “This wasn’t your fault”. What? They don’t understand that! No matter what you say they will think they played a role SO talk about it with them. Ask them who, what, where, why and how questions. Why do you think it’s your fault? What do you think will happen? Let them talk then validate and reassure them!
Let children be their OWN PERSON! Children are people too. They get to have their own feelings and emotions. STOP telling them how they “have to be”!!! No they do not have to be strong! No they do not have to be the man of the house! Stop putting adult ideals on little people. They get to feel sad, angry, dissatisfied and disappointed to say the least. If you can’t do this, then for goodness sakes get them a counselor or a therapist! Think of someone besides yourself.
Stop the labeling, stereotyping and pushing gender roles. OMG, this is probably THE most important. If we had not labeled our little girl “daddy’s little girl” then we would not have a problem in the first place. Let children just be! They don’t need to be the smart one, the gifted one, the most athletic, the prettiest, the skinniest, the dumbest, the mouthiest, the wildest, the baby…. I mean I can go on and on! Labels make children FEEL like they must live up to them and this causes a great deal of emotional trauma! Children are people and people change and develop differently. Not even identical twins are identical! Allow children to grow and change and develop in their own way and in their own time.
Do you have any idea how many clients I have that are still trying to live up to their “dad’s expectations” or their mother’s ideals? And these are grown adults! These children have grown up to have no understanding of THEIR emotions, THEIR dreams, THEIR wants, THEIR desires. They are still trying to please their parent or parents! They are dealing with a divorce and lack of understanding of it. They feel like they don’t know how they played a role, but feel like they did. They are still trying to put the prices of their life back together all while trying to make mom happy or daddy pleased. They are trying to live up to the label that they were given as a child. They cannot make decisions, choices or deviate from a plan. No wonder they suffer from fear and anxiety!
So come on people, let’s take a step back and be better than this. Let’s be better than our parents and our parent’s parents. This society is different, this moment is different. So be the adult, act like the adult and do your child right! After all they are people too!!
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