Expectations, suck and make holidays suck too!
Expectations can ruin EVERYTHING for us and yet, it is US that create them. Now don’t confuse a child’s behavior with adult expectations for example: my children know how I expect them to behave when we go to church! And yet there are days you come home extremely disappointed because your expectations started out WAAAAYYYYY before that. It starts in your brain, like a picture, and then gets stuck there.
For example you pictured what you would wear, what the children would wear, what your significant other would wear, how your family would look. You planned the time you would leave, where you would park and how you would enter. You even planned out the exit and the return home and ALL that would happen after.. Am I right?
THEN your significant other comes out and you say, “You’re wearing that?”. They say, “What, you don’t like it?” BUT you say, “ Whatever, I don’t have time for this”. Then you push that little bit (or a lot of bit) of anger down deep and keep it to yourself. God forbid you say what you really were thinking and then be judged for it (FEAR). Oh no we wouldn’t do that.
I mean you can use that same scene in a hundred different ways. The first date, the anniversary, the birthday, any holiday, party or gathering……. In the end you feel resentment- anger, exhaustion or major disappointment. When in reality we just needed to share our “expectation” or the picture in our heads with ALL the players involved. Just as we do when we expect our children to behave a certain way. It would surely save us from so much hurt. manhattanmentalhealthcounseling.com says it so well.
Expectations are mental picture perfect scenes! They are unrealistic and because they are, they leave us in so much disappointment, sadness and anger.
I mean really it is totally unrealistic to expect a two year old to share (for example). Sharing is an abstract concept that WE define. A two year old only has a concrete brain, meaning they only understand what they can see and touch. We then label it- dog, cat, mom, dad……. We can try to label and teach “sharing” but most parents EXPECT their well behaved child to just do it. When they don’t what does it lead to? Usually aggression, tears and frustration for the two year old and embarrassment for the parent.
Expectations are contradictory. Now this goes both ways for us. It’s when the multiple people in our lives have expectations for us and they contradict each other. Like when your mother expects you to have a clean and orderly home and your mother-in-law says a clean home is a “sick” home because it means you’re not living. UGH
BUT it can also be when WE have different expectations for the people around us. It’s when you give or send them “mixed” messages or have a “double standard”. The people around us can become confused and often can become very frustrated with us. Thanks “expectations”.
Lastly, expectations are not an accurate gage for what is right for you and the people around you. If your friends go to these fancy parties and you want to go, you have an expectation for yourself and how it will go, after all your friends talk about what a great time they have. You go and it’s awful for you. You leave feeling like there is something wrong with you when it may be as simple as that that environment is just not your “gig”. Why push it! Stay with what you love and enjoy! Expectations suck!
SO, what to do? Well first and foremost, COMMUNICATE your desires to those around you. Share the picture(s) in your head with those around you. You definitely have to share it with those you expect to play a role within that picture. Also, you cannot communicate unrealistic expectations. You have to understand the people around you and what THEY are capable of. So, then when it doesn’t turn out the way you imagined, maybe you can have a little laugh about it because everyone is “in on it”.
Also, remember, when others put expectations on you, YOU get to define what works for YOU and you can say that. Here is the prescription: Validate what they say or believe and then state what works for you and then let it go. For example: “I’m so glad that works for you and that is an interesting belief. Where did that come from? Oh, that’s interesting. For me this works right now but thanks for sharing. YAY!!!
Lastly, be sure to say what you mean and mean what you say. Be as consistent as possible. Get to know who YOU are and what YOU believe. Work on your confidence and stand up for YOU. Not easy I know, but that’s why Courage Coach is here! To help make sure your holiday season, your birthday, anniversary, and relationship goes just the way you want it (or at least have a realistic expectation for it, lol).
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