Are you a crIer? Oh, I know I am. I cry at commercials, TV shows, when I see people being kind or watching hugs at an airport. I mean really…….. But even though I take a deep dive into the empathy pool, that does not make me a crier! A crier is not “who I am” or even identify me. It’s just what I do when I feel empathy. Frankly, it’s what everyone should do when they feel empathetic. But often times we think that our emotions define us.
*She is the angry one.
*She is such a bitch.
*She is so emotional.
*She is so shy.
*She is scary.
*She is confident.
We never seem to mind if people identify us as a “positive” emotion but we don’t want to be the one labeled the negative one. We don’t want to be the bitch, the angry one, the emotional one, the sad one……. So what do we do? We take those emotions and we bury them DEEP down. We don’t own them, share them or acknowledge them! God help us if we do, we feel judged (unfairly of course), we feel bad, depressed and upset that we showed that emotion and often go back and apologize for it. BUT WHY??
Mainly because of fear. I know, it always comes back to fear. We are afraid of being labeled, judged and talked about. In reality, we rarely have much of an affect on other people when we show an emotion and most of the time the affect we do have invites compassion, love and a sense of understanding. Rarely, when we show an emotion do people label, judge and discuss it. However, there are those instances where that does happen take “Karen’s” for example. They seem to let out this over flowing amount of anger, hate and frustration in full force. This does cause us to label, judge and discuss their emotional outburst. These cases are documented, usually by a video from our phone and tend to go viral. We laugh, we awwww as if we are in shock and judge that “Karen” as crazy. So there you go, it’s exactly why we push those emotions WAY DOWN DEEP! Don’t let them out.
The reality is that most of us are NOT “Karen’s” and have real raw emotions throughout a day, a week, a month and a year. It’s not irrational or crazy, it’s normal. Here’s the big reveal…….and EVERYBODY has them! When we express our emotions with our family and friends in a typical situation, more often than not, it provokes concern, empathy and concern for US! Which is what should happen.
Recently someone hurt my feelings and when I left I was so very upset. I gave it at least 12 hours and then I decided to be honest and address it with my friend. I was so scared and nervous thinking they would think I was crazy or having a breakdown or something. The truth of the matter is, that when I explained how I was feeling from my perspective, my friend completely understood. Not only did they understand, but they validated me and apologized. I realized what a true friend I had! Easy right? Wrong!
Sharing your feelings in a calm rational way is hard. It’s not something we are taught to do. Well, most people aren’t taught to share their feelings at all let alone in a calm rational way. Maybe that’s the next business….. LOL. We should be able to say:
*I feel mad when….
*That really made me sad….
*Boy, I was really scared when….
I should be able to cry in front of a friend when I am sad and say I’m feeling angry about something when I am! When we learn how to express ourselves and our feelings we realize that they are truly emotions and NOT who or what we are. We are not our emotions!! We have emotions but they do not identify me or you or us!
I know letting your emotions out is risky. A few years ago I was with some friends, hanging out. The conversation took a turn to a topic I felt incredibly passionate about. I got a bit emotional and slapped my hand down on the counter. The slap was much louder than I had planned on it being. To make a long story short…… I have not seen those “friends” since. Oh yes, I called and apologized, it didn’t really help. While I missed them at first, I realized that since they could not accept me for me, well, they just weren’t really my true friends anyway. I felt sad about that but the reality is that it would have been much more sad if I had kept them in my life. I would have NEVER been able to express myself EVER and how sad is that. My friends have seen me passionate and they understand, validate and try to see things from my perspective as I do for them. Yup, it’s risky but it’s risk you should take because we all deserve good healthy relationships in our lives!
We’ll talk another time about when you are a parent and don’t show emotion, talk about emotion and don’t let your kiddo do it either. We’ll discuss just how hurtful and dangerous that is for your child (ren).
So here is what I want you to try. Each night before you go to bed, I want you to do an emotional check in. Ask yourself how did you FEEL overall about this day? Then when you are ready, do a deeper dive each week by asking:
*I felt happy when……
*I felt sad when…..
*I felt embarrassed when……
*I felt confident when…..
*I felt angry when….
*I felt exhausted when….
Just start with these. If you can do that, you are well on your way to being a healthy adult ready to start living a life with out fear ruling their world. Let’s get started today.
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