Respect is a dangerous word. It’s also a work I simply cannot stand when people use, and boy do people use it ALL THE TIME! Respect your boss, respect your mother, your elders, respect your teacher, your grandmother, respect the police, the mayor anyone in power….. Wow, there is a great deal of respect going around! So what problem do I have with the word: r-e-s-p-e-c-t.
First, it is overused! In this society we use it for everything from standing to the National Anthem to how you talk to a parent. It’s so overused that it has less of an effect than ever before simply because we all have a different meaning for it. Which is the second reason why I do not like this word.
Respect has MANY different definitions. The official definition is: deep admiration for someone or something, regard for feelings, wishes, rights or traditions of others, and (verb) admire someone or something deeply as a result of their abilities, qualities or achievements. OK, I can get on board with those definitions, no problem………….ahhhhh but there is.
Let’s look at the second definition: regard for feelings, wishes, rights or traditions of others. What? Wait, that means I must know the feelings, wishes, rights and traditions of others! If I am new to the United States and go to my first ball game how would I know to stand and not talk during the National Anthem? How would I even know what the anthem is? Sure I could follow along with everyone else but that’s not what we want- we want respect: regard for this tradition.
Let’s take another look at it. How am I supposed to know, as a child, what regard I am supposed to have for my parents? In some households children are not allowed to weigh in on decisions made by parents and to interject your opinion would be disrespectful. While in other households children are active participants in decision making when it comes to the family. To not participate may be seen as disrespectful. It is VERY important for parents to DEFINE the word respect. Simply using the word is not enough!!
We say to our children all the time, “You must respect your teacher!” As a parent we have an “expectation” in our brain of what that looks like. So when the child does not meet that expectation, they become “disrespectful”. Our child does not live in our brain so how are they supposed to know what is in our brain, how are they to know our expectation?
Wait, how about we share with them the expectation! How about we lay out VERY clearly what respectful behavior to the teacher is. I’ll bet I could interview five different parents and it would be different for each parent. I’ll bet I could interview two parents in the same family, and they would have different ideas of what “respecting a teacher” looks like. To some it may look like, coming into class quietly, sitting in the front seat and be a good listener, do not talk to friends and when the teacher asks you to do something, you do it know questions asked. Another parent may say that I expect you to question the teacher when they ask you to do something, and it doesn’t feel right. They may want their child to be vocal but kind. The point is that every parent, caregiver and adult has a different idea of what “respect” is and looks like.
Recently there was a couple who used the word respect all the time. He would say, “she doesn’t respect me”. She would say, “Well, if you respected me, then I would respect you.” This gets them NO WHERE! So, we needed to define this word for each. The male defined respect as dinner ready and on the table when he got home from work. He expected her to do his laundry on Sundays and put it away while he watched football, after all she hated football. These behaviors went on and on. To HER, respect was listening to her when she talked. She wanted him to participate in decision making and to plan romantic dinners and getaways. Neither one of them had ANY idea what they meant by the word respect BUT they argued over it almost daily.
Most of the time it goes undefined, and it then becomes trial and error for the person trying to figure it out! Like when you get a new boss! That boss comes in with different expectations and a different definition of respect. Wouldn’t it save all of us a great deal of time and effort if they just came out and defined it for us? Then we could all get on with it.
For me the saddest part of “trying to figure out someone’s definition of respect” is for children when that parent teaches by violence. When that child gets smacked across the face, “boy, you don’t talk to me like that.” OK, but he sees YOU talk to people like that so how is he supposed to know what is acceptable? Physical punishment to teach respect is, and I’ll say it, abuse!!! Communication to define respect is the ONLY way, then you can move forward from there.
Well, I hope you will respect my opinion of the word respect! Oh, and the couple? Well, they had a very difficult time. She worked a full-time job and she was not about to cook every meal, do laundry and keep the house while he didn’t. He hated to cuddle, was not a planner and not a great listener because he liked to check out when he was home. In that situation there was a great deal of compromise to save that marriage. I’m sure they are still compromising and changing the definition of the word respect as they move through their journey. Do you have the courage to?
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